so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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