is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
