remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
