The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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