Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
