He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
