This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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