Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
