i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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