I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Come share oat with me in your robe
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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