New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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