Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize