She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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