If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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