census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
