So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
