You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
