I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
