i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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