even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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