I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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