I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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