so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
