Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
