I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
