WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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