I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
