i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
