The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize