Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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