You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
