From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
