smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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