Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
