I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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