We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize