Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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