You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize