____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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