i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
