please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
