I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
