He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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