You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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