two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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