On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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