As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
