i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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