can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
