so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
