Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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