Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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