At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
