Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
