Don't make out with my wife yet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
