Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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